To The Private Member

        My dear Sir, -         You may think it unkind of me         To interrupt the peaceful calm of your holiday         With a poem about business.         But I assure you, my dear sir,         That I do so with the very best intentions,         And at the call of what I consider to be duty.         Duty, as you know, is a tremendous abstraction,         And brings a man into all sorts of difficult corners.         It was duty that took you into Parliament:         Similarly it is duty that constrains me to Odes.         When a man sees another man and pities him,         It is the duty of the first man to let the other man know about it         Delicately.         I pity you, my dear Mr. Private Member,         From the bottom of a bottomless heart.         Many a time and oft in the course of my rambles         Through the lobbies and liquor bars of St. Stephens         It has been my ineffable portion to run across you -         Silk hat, frock coat, baggy trousers, patient stare, bored expression:         Suddenly you smile         And crook the pregnant hinges of the back of your neck.         Mrs. Wiggle, the three Misses Wiggle, and little Master Wiggle,         Wife, daughters, and son of Mr. Forthree Wiggle,         Draper, and burgess of the good old Parliamentary Division         Of Mudsher West,         Are up from Mudsher West,         And they want showin' round the 'Ouse, you know.         Round you go.         Again: you appear in the Strangers' Lobby,         Spectacles on nose, somebody's card in hand.         The policeman roars out name of leading constituent.         Leading constituent departed in a huff twenty minutes ago,         Because he thought you were not attending to him.         There being no answer,         Policeman roars out name of leading constituent once more.         Name echoes along Lords' Lobby;         But not being there, leading constituent fails to come forward.         You look embarrassed, turn tail, retire to your back bench,         And feel deucedly uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.         You would like to get away to the theatre,         But you dare not do it:         There are Whips about.         You would like to go home to bed;         You must wait the good pleasure of the course of the debate.         You would like to stand on your hind legs         And address the House on large matters:         But you know in your heart         That the House will stand absolutely nothing from you         Bar a question or so.         You sit, and sit, and sit through dull debate after dull debate,         And you sigh for the hustings and the brass bands,         And the banquets and the "He's-a-jolly-good-fellow"-s         And wonder how it comes to pass         That you, who were once set down in the Mudsher Mercury         For a blend of Demosthenes and John Bright,         Can never get more than twenty words off the end of your tongue         After "Mr. Speaker, Sir."         Oh! my dear Mr. Private Member,         Your case is indeed a sad one,         And it is all the sadder when one comes to reflect         That, as a general rule, you are a sincereish sort of man,         Burning and bursting with a desire         To do your poor suffering country         A bit of good.         You know that the men who have the ear of the House         Are mere talkers;         That they are only "playing the party game,"         And that the country may go to pot for anything they care.         And yet they make their speeches         And get them reported at length in the papers,         And are given places in the Cabinet,         And go for "dines-and-sleeps" with the King,         What time you grow old and grey and obese and bleary eyed,         And never get the smallest show.         I pity you, my dear Mr. Private Member, I do really.         But for your comfort I may tell you         That all you lack         Is courage         And brains.